Self Love: A Journey

I'm just gonna jump straight in.

I would say that I am on a journey of self love, like so many of us are, so I thought I'd start sharing with you a few little defining moments along the way.

I don't think there will ever be a finishing line but I hope by telling my stories I can help a few of you out there and it will probably do myself some good to get a few things off my chest too.

It was the day before payday and as usual on my lunch-break, I'm shopping around for a few treats for myself. Trying on a few sassy little numbers. You know how it is...

So, as you all probably know sizing varies in different stores. For example, I cannot for the life of me fit into a size 16 pair of trousers in H&M, in fact I can barely fit into a lot of their items. However, anything from new look in a 16 will fit me? Sometimes I can't get into a size 20 in Primark, sometimes I fit into a medium? Mental.

Back to my lunchbreak.. My first port of call was Zara. I was trying on a pair of trousers, those beautiful millennial pink ones with the paperbag waist, wide culotte leg and gorgeous belt. I'm sure you've seen them. They had an XL which I was excited about as I knew a L wouldn't go over my belly and bum. So I put them on and after a little breathing in and shuffling here and there, (basically, I did the jean dance) and they did up.

I looked at myself in the mirror and attempted a few selfies, because the camera never lies and also, insta content... Now I don't know what it is about changing rooms, whether its because I'm used to my tilted-floor-mirror at home, and they are flat against the wall? (does that change anything?) Or whether they are lit horrifically. I just never like the way I look in them.

So I'm stood there in these pink trousers and all I can think of is that I look like a raw richmond sausage. All sorts running through my mind like, 'Ooop defo back to the gym tomorrow!' and 'You look disgusting!' Why can't you even fit into the biggest size this shop does!?'

So I quickly put my comfy black trousers on and give the attendant the clothes back, "It's a no from me..." Off I went to get food as I was hungry, I mean it was my lunch break and all I had consumed was a couple of coffees that day. But all I could think after that ordeal was, you better get yourself a salad today and stay off the choc. (heartbreaking, right?)

Then I sat down in my regular spot for a cigarette (terrible I know...) and it suddenly occurred to me. I am putting myself down because of a label. 

A number or a letter on a tag...

Why should I let that define me, or how I live my life?

Don't get me wrong, I know my diet isn't the best and I definitely don't get enough exercise, (I'm working on it. Promise.) but if I want a chicken caesar wrap then I'm gonna go and bloody get one. So what if those trousers don't fit me, I'll find better ones that do. 

If I wanted to change the way I look, I'd like to believe that I could, but this isn't about that. It's about learning to accept yourself as you are.

It's little moments like this that used to ruin my day, make me feel worthless and worst of all like I would never be loved because of the way I look. 

But I'm a little proud to say, 9 times out of 10 I can now snap out of this mentality and move on with my day.

I find it helps to follow influencers on the same journey. Amazing men and women of all shapes and sizes, who put themselves and their hang-ups, out there on the internet in order to shatter this illusion of perfection we all seem to be so obsessed with. I love how relatable the internet is becoming and it seems like it is now more of a safe place to be who you are.

Hence why I am starting to share my little story with you.

I know I've waffled on a little, SOZ! But I have a voice. I want to be heard, and if that helps just one other person then I have achieved something! 

So the next time, you find yourself getting down over a label. Remember it is only that, and it doesn't define who you are as a person.

Thank you for reading.

BIG LOVE.